You've Already Been Judged
Here's a fact that might make you slightly uncomfortable: before you've even finished saying hello, the person you're meeting has already formed an impression of you. Not a vague, half-baked one, either. A surprisingly detailed assessment of your trustworthiness, competence, and likability.
In 2006, Princeton psychologists Janine Willis and Alexander Todorov published a landmark study in Psychological Science that changed how we think about first encounters. They showed participants photographs of unfamiliar faces for just 100 milliseconds — a tenth of a second — and asked them to rate those faces on traits like trustworthiness, competence, attractiveness, likability, and aggressiveness. Then they compared these snap judgements to ratings made with no time constraints at all.
The result? The judgements were remarkably similar. A tenth of a second was enough to form an impression that barely shifted even when people had all the time in the world. More time didn't produce more accurate readings — it simply made people more confident in the judgements they'd already made.
The popular claim that first impressions take seven seconds is generous. The reality is closer to the blink of an eye.
Why First Impressions Stick
If first impressions were easy to override, they wouldn't matter all that much. The trouble is, they're remarkably persistent. This is largely thanks to something psychologists call the halo effect.
Edward Thorndike first identified the halo effect in 1920 when he noticed something peculiar in military evaluations. Officers who were asked to rate soldiers on completely independent traits — intelligence, physical fitness, leadership, character — tended to rate an individual highly across the board if they scored well on just one trait. Tall, attractive soldiers were consistently rated as more intelligent and more capable leaders, even without any evidence to support those judgements.
The halo effect means that a strong positive first impression creates a kind of glow that colours everything that follows. If someone finds you warm and approachable in the first few moments, they'll interpret your later behaviour through that lens. A slightly awkward comment becomes charmingly self-deprecating. A quiet moment becomes thoughtful rather than disengaged.
The reverse is equally true, of course. A negative first impression creates what researchers sometimes call the horn effect — and clawing your way back from that is considerably harder than making a good impression in the first place.
The 100-millisecond rule: Princeton research found that people form judgements about your trustworthiness, competence, and likability in just one-tenth of a second. These snap judgements are remarkably similar to those made with unlimited time — more time simply increases confidence, not accuracy.
The Two Things People Are Really Assessing
So what exactly are people evaluating in those crucial first moments? According to over fifteen years of research by Harvard Business School professor Amy Cuddy and her colleagues Susan Fiske and Peter Glick, it comes down to two fundamental dimensions: warmth and competence.
Warmth answers the question: "Is this person's intent toward me friendly or hostile?" Competence answers the follow-up: "Can they act on that intent?"
From an evolutionary perspective, this makes perfect sense. When our ancestors encountered a stranger, the first priority was determining whether they meant harm. Only after establishing that someone was safe did it matter whether they were capable. Warmth — encompassing trustworthiness, friendliness, and sincerity — is evaluated first because it tells us whether someone is an ally or a threat.
Here's what most people get wrong: they lead with competence. We try to impress people by demonstrating how clever, accomplished, or successful we are. We talk about our job title, our qualifications, our latest achievement. But Cuddy's research shows that leading with competence before establishing warmth can actually backfire. It makes people seem cold, calculating, or even threatening.
The ideal, of course, is to be perceived as both warm and competent. People who achieve this combination inspire what researchers call admiration. But if you have to choose where to start, warmth wins every time. A person who seems warm but not particularly impressive is received far better than someone who seems impressive but cold.
What Your Body Is Saying Before You Open Your Mouth
Given that first impressions form before you've had time to say much of anything meaningful, it follows that a significant portion of the impression you make has nothing to do with your words.
Research consistently shows that nonverbal communication carries enormous weight in social interactions, particularly in those first crucial moments. Your posture, facial expression, eye contact, and the way you physically occupy space all send signals that people read instinctively.
This doesn't mean you need to adopt some kind of performative body language routine. The most effective nonverbal communication is natural, warm, and open. Here's what the research suggests actually matters:
Eye contact. Making appropriate eye contact signals confidence, interest, and trustworthiness. The key word is appropriate — a relaxed, natural gaze that connects without staring. Looking someone in the eye when they're speaking tells them you're present and engaged.
A genuine smile. Not a forced, teeth-baring grin, but a real Duchenne smile — one that reaches your eyes and crinkles the corners. People are remarkably good at detecting fake smiles, and the difference between genuine and performative warmth registers even in those first milliseconds.
Open posture. Uncrossed arms, a relaxed stance, shoulders that face the person you're talking to. Closed body language — folded arms, angled shoulders, hunched posture — signals defensiveness or disinterest, even when that's not what you feel at all.
Physical presence. Leaning slightly toward someone during conversation, nodding gently as they speak, mirroring their energy. These subtle cues communicate engagement without you having to say a word.
The Liking Gap: They Probably Like You More Than You Think
If reading about all of this has made you more anxious about meeting new people rather than less, here's something reassuring.
In 2018, researchers Erica Boothby and colleagues at Yale published a study in Psychological Science that revealed what they called the liking gap. Across five separate studies — in laboratories, university dormitories, and personal development workshops — they found the same consistent pattern: after conversations with strangers, people systematically underestimated how much their conversation partner liked them and enjoyed their company.
The gap was substantial and persistent. It appeared in short conversations and long ones. It showed up when people met for the first time and continued even months into new relationships, as college flatmates got to know each other over the course of a year.
The liking gap in action: Research shows that after a conversation, we consistently underestimate how much the other person liked us. They're not judging you against the impossible standard you've set for yourself — they're simply responding to the person in front of them. And usually, they like what they see.
Why does this happen? Partly because we're our own harshest critics. We replay our stumbles, our awkward pauses, the joke that didn't land. But the person we were talking to doesn't have access to the performance we were aiming for. They have no idea when we fall short of our own standards. They're simply responding to the actual person in front of them — and usually, they respond positively.
This is particularly relevant in social situations where you're meeting people for the first time. The anxiety that you're making a poor impression is almost certainly worse than the impression itself.
Practical Ways to Shape a Better First Impression
Understanding the science is useful, but you probably want to know what to actually do differently the next time you walk into a room full of strangers. Here are research-backed strategies that work:
Lead with curiosity, not credentials
Instead of launching into what you do for a living, ask the other person something about themselves. The Harvard question-asking study we've written about in our piece on how to move past small talk found that people who ask more questions are consistently rated as more likeable. Follow-up questions are especially powerful because they signal genuine interest.
Arrive with energy, not anxiety
There's a difference between nervous energy and warm energy, and people can feel it. Before walking into a social situation, take a moment to shift your internal state. Think about something you're genuinely looking forward to. Remind yourself that the liking gap means people will almost certainly respond to you more warmly than you expect.
Use the person's name
This sounds almost too simple, but using someone's name early in a conversation — naturally, not forcedly — creates an immediate sense of familiarity and recognition. It signals that you're paying attention and that they matter to you as an individual.
Find common ground quickly
Similarity breeds connection. Research on interpersonal attraction consistently shows that we're drawn to people who share our interests, values, or experiences. You don't need to force this — a shared observation about the venue, the food, or even the weather can establish common ground. From there, you can explore what else you might have in common.
Be the person who puts others at ease
The most magnetic people in any social setting aren't the loudest or the most impressive. They're the ones who make everyone around them feel comfortable. If you notice someone standing alone, approach them. If someone seems nervous, ask them an easy question. Being the person who eases social tension is one of the most powerful first impressions you can make.
The First Five Minutes at a Dinner Table
All of this research becomes especially relevant in the context of sitting down to dinner with people you've never met. At a Dinners With Friends event, those first five minutes at the table set the tone for the entire evening.
The good news is that a dinner setting naturally supports many of the conditions that lead to positive first impressions. You're seated, which eliminates the awkwardness of standing around. There's food arriving, which provides natural conversation starters. The group is small enough that no one gets lost in the crowd. And everyone is there for the same reason — to meet new people and have a good time.
But those opening moments still matter. The person who smiles warmly, makes eye contact, and asks "So, what brought you here tonight?" is setting a completely different tone than the person who sits down, checks their phone, and waits for someone else to break the ice.
If you're the kind of person who finds the prospect of walking into a room of strangers daunting, having a few go-to conversation starters can help enormously. Our collection of 50 conversation starters beyond "what do you do?" is designed for exactly this moment — questions that are interesting without being intrusive, personal without being presumptuous.
Why Consistency Matters More Than Perfection
Here's perhaps the most liberating takeaway from all this research: first impressions matter, but they're not everything. The Willis and Todorov study showed that first impressions are formed quickly and tend to persist — but "persist" doesn't mean "permanent."
Over time, repeated interactions give people the chance to form a more nuanced, accurate picture of who you are. Robin Dunbar's research shows that it takes roughly 200 hours of interaction to move someone from stranger to close friend. No single first impression, however brilliant or disastrous, can compete with that depth of accumulated experience.
What matters more than any single interaction is showing up consistently. The person who keeps turning up, keeps being warm, keeps being genuinely interested in others — that person will build deeper connections than someone who makes a dazzling first impression but never follows through.
Your first impression is an invitation, not a verdict. It opens the door. But it's what you do after that — the follow-up message, the second dinner, the third conversation — that builds the friendship. Don't let the pressure of perfection stop you from simply showing up and being yourself.
The Invitation
The science of first impressions can feel paralysing if you let it. Knowing that people judge you in a tenth of a second, that those judgements stick, that your body language matters more than your words — it's a lot to take in.
But here's what the research actually tells us, when you step back and look at the full picture: people are primed to like you. The liking gap shows us that. Warmth beats competence every time, and warmth isn't something you need to manufacture — it's something you already have. The most powerful thing you can do in any first meeting is be genuinely interested in the other person. That's it. That's the whole strategy.
The rest — the eye contact, the open posture, the follow-up questions — is just warmth made visible.
And if you're looking for a place to practise all of this in a setting that's designed to make it easy, where the group is small, the food is good, and everyone is there to connect — well, that's exactly what we built Dinners With Friends for.